Sometimes I have an experience that makes me wonder if I have actually gotten any good at approaching over years of consuming PUA material and practicing.
And by “material” I don’t mean specific lines, but mostly theory and general attitude.
Following is an (over?) analysis of a couple few-minute interactions with girls. Because you’re not really into Game if you’re not making a full report of everything that transcribed when you talked to a girl.
Last night I went to a bar with a couple of mates. We started the night by catching up at a bar that I like going to. This place has nice drinks, great decor and plays music that does not hurt my ears. My only complaint is that it is more suited to a lounge bar since it has no dance floor, but the music is quite loud – more like a club.
The people come from both the hipster “worn t-shirt and Vance” and the “leather pants and heels” worlds. It’s a mix that I like, since I do alright with the first type but the second is closer to what I find attractive.
Started the night with my friend telling me about his holiday and catching up, while taking peeks to the crowd.
After all between my friends and me was said, I was looking for chances to open. The girls I liked were either in a group or seated somewhere a bit “unreachable”. Group approaches are not my forté, that’s something I ought to
have worked more on just do. But I have gotten quite good at two things: 1) turning eye contact into approaches, 2) making use of little “accidents” to open.
I was sitting on some sort of stair-shaped platform with my friend, on the lowest bench. We were chatting when a girl accidentally stepped on the tip of my foot on her way to the bar. I did not even feel it, she mostly lightly bumped the tip of my shoe. But she turned around to say sorry as she was walking away. Now I have a simple trick that I always use when a girl bumps on me in open space: I exaggerate to a ridiculous degree that it hurt. What does your face do when you walk fast in the house and you hit the table leg with your toe? That is the expression that I take. Combined with a silent prolonged ouch.
I gave a heartfelt performance, really portraying the pain and agony one feels when having a cute girl violently give him a light bump. “She likes you” my friend said. Jokingly I thought, as we often do that to give each other a push to approach.
We will never know if it was the performance or my natural charm, but the girl did come back. “Is it ok?” she asked. “It still hurts. You are stronger than you look” I responded. She lowered herself down after she saw that I didn’t give a one-word answer. Her friend sat next to me.
“I’m a bit clumsy”, she said. “I noticed” I said with a smirk.
Our interaction so far was fine. Smart and funny way to open, she hooked, I teased. Her friend was also into it, she was smiling. I asked them how they know each other, made them rate their level of friendship. All good.
And then, blackout.
I got this feeling you get when you feel you have nothing to say to keep the interaction moving. That sense of the inevitable awkward silence approaching, your brain searching for cues to say something.
“How has your night been so far?” I said, hoping to get something that would help me keep things alive.
Now I’m not a newbie. I don’t consider myself advanced in picking up, but I do think I’m a good conversationalist. But there are two things that are important to succeed in that: a) the skill of creating topics out of thin air and b) what the other side is giving you to work with.
Having (a) is the most important. If you can ramble on about things, you exude confidence and you avoid that cringe situation where everyone is silent, tension builds up, people are looking at each other hoping for someone to say something until finally someone decides to call it quits and politely leave. Having (b) is great because it makes it easier for you to have a conversation. On top of that, it shows that the girl is into you.
But some nights are just…off.
In my case, I made a comment that apparently turned the girl that approached me feel a bit awkward. After I asked how their night has been, she smiled and I teased her.
“Hmm that smile was a bit suspicious, like you have been up to mischief”.
She turned her head away, still smiling but I felt it was not genuine.
“Alright, we just went out. Have you been here long?” said her friend.
“Yeah, a couple of hours” I said. “This place closes in about a half hour”.
The conversation was going nowhere. A few moments later, the girl that I talked to asked her friend if she would like to go sit at a table in the other bar. After she said yes, they politely greeted us and left.
As I’m thinking back now, I realize that it’s not so much the thread itself. It’s mostly the vibe you’re giving out. And the vibe there was “I don’t know what to talk with you about so I’ll chit chat aimlessly”.
Another thing that often happens when one of (a) or (b) are not there, is you start making many questions. Questions are not bad in my opinion, but when only one side asks them and when questions are more than statements or stories…it comes across as trying hard.
So you’re trying to not ask many questions, simultaneously not having so much to say…Black out.
After the girls were gone, I made another approach. This time a girl I was having eye-contact with previously in the night. We looked at each other, I smiled, she smiled back, I waved, she waved back. I went over. She was sitting with a friend of hers. I did some cold reading about what they do, made statements about it…I was not getting much from them though. Especially her friend, she seemed like she was just waiting for me to say the next thing. My friend tried to help me by coming into the set, but it was not working. After a few minutes another friend of theirs arrived, they said something about leaving and they started getting ready. I told the girl I liked that I thought she looked cute and I went over to see if she’s an interesting person to talk with. Just a final shot thrown out there to see if it generates something more. Got a polite thank you, and we all left.
Sometimes things look effortlessly simple and some others it seems like trying to solve an equation with more unknowns than givens. I don’t think that pickup, and especially having good conversations, is rocket science. Occasionally though you run into the problem of creating and maintaining a good flow.
To make it clear, all I’m referring to here is how to have good conversations when approaching. Engaging, fun which eventually lead to comfort and from there give you ground for sexualizing. I am not saying that a good conversation is going to get you laid. Sometimes even the best Game simply won’t work. It’s many other factors that come into play. As well as other times, plain and dull topics will work because the girl didn’t want or need something more.
What I want to do is become more direct and to the point, especially when I notice that it’s not the best night for my verbal game. Just ask for the number and close the approach like that if I see that I won’t be able to hold it. Direct game still requires good conversational skills, perhaps even more than indirect because you have to back up the confidence of saying things straight. And because most women won’t just get it on with you just because you said “Hi, I want you to make my bed tomorrow morning, after you mess it up tonight”. Sh*t, that was a good line. I’ll use it next time.